chasingthereddot

like a cat chasing the laser pointer we can talk about whatever people chase

Ego pulls that crap from time to time

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I’m so grateful that I can breathe. I know I’m taken care of financially, health wise, mentally, spiritually, and more. I lean on the fact that these things are mine and I’m grateful for them.
Healing is about opening up, like the quote about pain being where the light comes in. To heal we must allow. To heal we must flow like the water while we also create the trench where we flow simultaneously by our thoughts and beliefs. The thoughts and beliefs are the shovels that dig the path the water will flow. We must think about work of belief. Rest in it that belief and then flow.
There is a moment, well there are moments when you want your life to change, but the intertia to make it happen seems unreachable. Getting started feels like grinding a gear that has long since rusted in the rain. Stuck. Not moving. You need oil. The oil of belief, the oil of tenacity, the oil of hope. The oil of work. It might take setting a timer on your phone for 15 minutes and making yourself do something, one thing, that will move you in the direction of the change you want in your life. Discipline. If during that 15 minutes you sit there stuck because you don’t know how or can’t think of how to get it going, sit there. It cannot hurt you to sit for 15 minutes, eventually you will find yourself doing something if you keep this up. The rust begins to be affected by the oil of attention, the oil of attentive time spent. Maybe just maybe the gear begins to move just the tiniest bit.
Do you know what else can happen when old rusty gears move? Screeching! Terrible awful sounds. This is the sound of time missed, ways enote chef and opportunities past wailing themselves into oblivion. The sound of letting those things go and moving again. Have you ever had it happen that you just go on a diet and of course someone brings in your favorite treat the next day? Or you say you’re going to work out each day and work gets crazy busy? It’s like life’s way of making you prove you want the change you think you want. Your old ways paid off for your ego in one way or another, so now you have to prove your thoughts and beliefs are different. That you want something new. Ego pulls that crap from time to time. Tenacity my friend. Tenacity.
Part of my change is getting back to myself, to the things I love, and to KNOWING that all is well. Creativity, laughter, love. I let these things be buried by lies. Lies I was told and more importantly lies I told myself. That this was an ok way to live, many people would want my life, even if I wasn’t feeling like it was the right life for me, or well, maybe that it was “fine”. I was “fining” my life away instead of living with zeal. (Sidenote, what a great frickin’ word ZEAL! Zeal zeal zeal!)

While I may have yet to be living in a zeal filled world, I look forward to experiencing it from time to time. I don’t think I’d want to live in zeal in every moment, nor do I want to tell you that you should want that either. It takes the quiet moments, the happy moments, and all of the other colorful emotions that exist that I still want to teach myself to identify for myself as I experience them.Those emotions. I’m looking forward to learning those. Isn’t there some link I can find describing the list of emotions? I seriously need that. I realize I have great room for improvement in that arena. Actually there are great lists out there for example here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201507/5-steps-managing-your-emotional-triggers

My opportunity to learn more feeling words became abundantly clear to me when someone asked me how I was feeling and the only way I knew to answer had to do with how my body felt. To be really open here, that is progress for me as well, to even identify how my body is feeling in a very aware way, vs. a numbed out, painful, deadened way. I’m thinking if I keep trying to identify my body feelings in a mindful way, then perhaps I can help myself learn the emotions that either originate from the body or the other way around.
The other thing I know is that sometimes I do well and sometimes I don’t. Crap happens and sometimes you have to just dig your own ass out of it. Sometimes someone is there to grab you and pull you up, but usually you have to do it.
I’m heartened to believe that people can change. I’m also heartened to believe that I can change. There are things I need to forgive and I would like to let that happen. For me, allowing vs. trying to forgive has been the only way I have experienced true forgiveness before. Since I have been “trying” in the past few years, I haven’t made as much progress as I prefer. Now, I’m reminding myself to “allow”.

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