like a cat chasing the laser pointer we can talk about whatever people chase

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Unless I Have Already Saved Myself

Today I want to remind anyone who has or is going through a painful time. You are loved, you are not alone, and healing happens.

Each of us suffers. We all have something that hurts our soul, messes with our mind, and threatens to change our core if we let it. The choice is ours. Let it or learn from it.

Learn, grow, and move on even in those moments when crippling doubt creeps in and fears start to knock around in your brain. You can heal, you can have a better life, and you likely already do if you notice it. It’s already yours because you are here. It’s already yours because you are in control of your actions.

One realization I had is that no one is going to save me but me. No one. No matter how talented can save me unless I have already saved myself.

May you be surrounded in light and love.

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Truth Tellin’

I realized many things about myself during these affairs. One that struck me during the second round was that I have some sort of world view that eventually everyone will tell the truth. It was an interesting experience to realize that I had that belief even in the face of evidence quite to the contrary. Here I am in the parking lot of my child’s daycare talking to someone about that one and the husband. I told her that the truth will come out and realized that I believed that one or both of them would tell the truth.

I can break this down. I do believe that the truth often comes out, I have learned that it doesn’t always come out, but often it does. At least the parts we need to know to grow and move on with our lives.

However, I also learned that no, not everyone is compelled to tell the truth. Some people lie because that is what they learned to do. Some people lie because they are mentally ill, and some people lie because they are assholes and only out for themselves. Some people will look you in the face and lie right to it.

It’s not what someone says to you, it’s how he or she treats you. How does he treat you? How does he behave? Write it down. Then determine what you think his motives are. I wish I had done that a bit more during my marriage, but of course, another world view of mine, things happen as they should.

How are you treated?


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You Can’t Prove It

It might seem strange that I tried to call them before knowing who was having an affair with him. I wanted to figure it out. You see, the “first” affair which I put in quotes here to let you know that I understand that this occurrence could just be the “first” I knew of in our 14 year marriage. That first affair started about one month after I found out I was pregnant again. We lost our first baby and I had some issues health wise do to the loss. I sensed that he changed and started asking him if he was having an affair probably about one month into it. He acted very differently, worked out, whitened his teeth (which he had never done before), bought new clothes, etc.  During this time, there were stupid silly lies that I never should have believed, but I did. My whole point of going there in this post is this, I had to find out and call because during the entire ordeal with the first one, he would say this, “You can’t prove it. Prove it Amanda”. I heard that over and over and over. I heard it when I was six months pregnant crying on the ground while he walked out on NYE to go out “by himself” to a club. This man who never once before went to a club. I was a sick mess. A person who believed he would be honest with me and that the first woman would too. She wasn’t and neither was he.

So, those messages I left before I found out who it the affair was with were my attempt at cutting it all short because I figured he wouldn’t tell me like the last time. I had to find out by calling the other woman’s husband to check and see.

This time, wow that I knew who it was he admitted her name. I sent her an email kindly asking that she stay away from our kids until she and the husband had been together for at least six months after we were divorced. I also asked her if she knew who the anonymous emailing man was. She said she had a “vast network” of friends and colleges who knew both her and her husband and it could be any of them.She also said “perhaps six months isn’t long enough” to stay away from the kids.I was trying to prepare for the two of them being together with that first email and trying to remain civil.

I’m telling you beyond the pain of affair round two, what killed me was not knowing who that damn e mailing man was. Not knowing who contacted me (if it wasn’t her) was driving me crazy. In particular because this e mailer had also looped in the previous affair. Yes, yes, I will give you a moment to take that in and a moment for me to explain what I mean.

When the man e mailed me, I responded with a comment about the previous affair similar to “hey xxx, quit messing with me”. The e mailer responded by saying he was not xxx. Well, I told my husband about this and then the e mailer forwarded me an email he received from the same email address as the previous affair that threatened him to stop talking to me. At first I definitely thought it was the previous affair when I saw that then realized with the “help” of the anonymous man that no, in fact, it was a made up email address. The first part was the same xxxyyy@ was the same, but the site was different. Yes, my husband had created a fake email address to mimic his previous affair and threatened the e mailer to not email me. He also addressed it to a specific name which I thought was weird at the time.

So, guess what I got to deal with at that point? Talking to the anonymous man AND the previous affair at the same time in email strings. Yes. Both.

I was open to the previous affair and apologized that her name had gotten pulled int this. she of course responded that my husband, “would never do something like that to her. He knows how much she went through during the first affair and he wouldn’t put her in harms way ever. He would not do something like that.” I actually laughed at a couple of our email exchanges and it was a great example of how self centered people (especially people who cheat) can be. I didn’t take any bait here and thanked her wished her well and asked that she keep me posted on the e mailer. Oh, but she did also say that this e mailer didn’t sound like a man. That this e mailer sounded like a scorned woman. She could be on to something eh?

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Forwarded the email

Some of you will recognize the error of some of my actions and choices way before I finish the story, but what did I do after I saw the strange email in my work inbox that morning? I called my husband and told him about it. I also responded.

The man emailed me back very quickly. For the next eight to ten days this person emailed me details of my life and of my husband’s affair, but not enough details for me to do much about it except figure out on my end how I could get him to admit this. He did tell me a first name and a city where the woman lived though.

I was in anguish, stressed at work, disgusted with my husband, with myself for this happening again. Hoping against hope that he would admit it this time or that there was some other explanation, though I knew there was not.

I mean I’m getting emails at my job talking about my husband being out of town, that I have two kids. My youngest wasn’t even one year old at this time and my other was three. The thought that someone knew about them and where we lived hung over my head like Pigpen’s ball of dust swirling and swarming in my brain. The guy is telling me he intercepted text messages from them and where they went together. That my husband took her on his business trips. I thought it was the previous affair or the previous affair’s husband messing with me and suggested as much to this guy. He denied it, but wouldn’t tell me who he was. He just said he cared about the woman.

I had to figure it out because the emails at work and denials at home were terrorizing me. I hired a PI to try to investigate who the heck was emailing me and to try to figure out which woman it was etc.

During this time people tried to say things to me like, “maybe someone has a vendetta against him” or “you know it could be that he isn’t having an affair”. My response: “Usually it’s the simplest answer. The simplest answer here is that he is having an affair, not that someone has a thing against him and is emailing me at my job, talking about details of the affair and my life.”

The husband didn’t own up until I found a giant bottle of Cialis in our safe. I assumed that the Cialis was for him in general because he had issues in the past in this arena. I confronted him with it by hinting about it, that I might have access to see what prescriptions we filled in our insurance, etc. Then finally told him I looked in the safe. It took him about 35 minutes of us laying in our bed in bouts of silence broken by me telling him that he owed the truth to me and our kids while he worked up the courage to tell me the truth. He only talked to say things like, “I’ll tell you in the morning” hoping it would go away. A grown man willing to cheat, lie, and who knows what the heck else who couldn’t just say yes, I’m cheating and this is with whom. When he finally gathered enough strength to tell me he made me promise I wouldn’t contact her in any way. I agreed. I lied and said yes. To me, telling a lie was like turning into him. To be willing to lie to get what I wanted. I wanted the information so I acted like him.

Little did he know, I had already called her. The unknown man who was emailing me gave me enough information to narrow it down to two women. When I saw their photos online, I thought, please let it be this one and not that one because that one looks like she would hurt my kids. That one looks like a selfish human being, she looks like a B.

I attempted to call and leave messages for each of the two, this one and that one, asking them to call to talk. When dialing this one I was totally calm while leaving the message and the other one I shook like an addict when I phoned. That one’s place of work pretended they didn’t know who she was.

I bet you can guess which one it was and if you guessed that one, you’re right.


Sight of the Island

When I wrote in March 2015, I couldn’t look forward and know with certainty where I would be today. Here goes.

I never really did birthday parties for myself. Being sung to with cake all ablaze often brought feelings of anxiety for me, so if it could be avoided, I would. I mean all hanging out at a bar in younger days, sure! Happy Birthday. However, as I approached my 40th birthday in 2015, my thoughts on the subject changed. For my 40th, we would have a party. I picked the spot, menu items, wine, food, etc. Then turned over the rest of the planning to my mom and husband. The party was fun, place was great, overall a nice time. It happened to fall on the “bar night” of November, aka: right before Thanksgiving. So, extra time off to boot!

After birthday party recovery, my husband was set for a work trip to Brazil that Monday and I was all set to go back to work, kids back to daycare. Upon arrival at work I opened my email to find a message. The message was from a man’s email address and the subject read, “Your husband is a cheater”.  I thought perhaps someone found my husband’s name on the listing of Ashley Madison users. I opened it. And so the discovery began that yes, he was cheating again.

I was transported back in time. Back to feeling like I was lost at sea floating in the ocean with no life boat. Yearning for sight of land while my feet dangled in shark infested waters. Looking for sight of an island somewhere I could swim to and climb to warm my bruised soul in the sun. The island I had to rely on was me. My own ability to save myself. So, I did what I had to do.


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And yet, sometimes healing must happen alone

I let time lapse and not shared the middle of the story with you. Yet, here I am to say hope and healing are yours to have if you want, even if that means divorcing the person who had an affair/s and healing on your own.

Trying must be a two sided coin, a joining of both people to make a marriage work. In my case, it didn’t work. He did it again, I didn’t do enough, I might fill in the blanks from my obviously biased opinion at some point. He cheated again and the story is one that I couldn’t even make up. I know some have been through what is judged as worse and others through things that are judged as easier than my story. I’m here to say, I will do my best not to judge. To just know and understand that you too may have hurt, or be hurting right now desperately searching the internet for signs of a future that is better than what you are feeling right now.  I offer you these words-you are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone and you can have a better life.




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There’s a lot of work involved

When I went through my spouse having an affair, it broke me down, shattered pieces of me, tore me up, pain etc. etc. blah blah. It’s been a while so I can tell you that in some ways I’m glad some of those pieces of me that were shattered did so. However, I can also say it’s a lot of damn work to learn lessons in life. So. Much. Damn. Work.

If you are a person like me who really wants to dig down and figure yourself out, it can feel like the person who had the affair got off easy (yeah I’m being crass with that pun too). They think, “oh that was a mistake let me move on” or maybe they end up with the other person meanwhile us other ones over here are left with a crap load of internal work. Working on esteem issues if that came up, or whatever the hell came up for us. It could be so many things and I know I can only give you examples of things that came up for me, but I’m not sure I want to dump those all in this particular post. Yet. Ha!

The work is about feeling through the pain and working through the pain to get to the other side where you can look at things differently. When I was in the midst of the shit, I used to read about people who had “made it through” and said their marriages were better for the affair. While that gave me hope, it also makes me wonder a bit because I’m not sure I will get there or if I’m there. Which makes me question whether I was really in my marriage at all before the affair. See, it always takes two to cause an issue. I’m just learning about this for myself and it will be partially for me to keep to myself, but staying married to someone who had an affair is hard work. For me, it’s a challenge because I’m willing to tear it all open and lay the bullshit on the table, my bullshit, my spouse’s bullshit and just look at the disgusting mess to see how what can be cleaned up, what has to be sown up, and what can just be appreciated for the ugly mess that it is. My spouse though, not so willing to do this. I guess I can see why. The pain laying there was “caused” by all conventional means by my spouse, so who would want to sit there and figure out all of the things that were impacted by their really really bad choices? “Oh yes let me stare at all of the pain I caused you and then let’s talk about it more?”…maybe not so fun for them. Even though I still wish it would happen, I can see how it might not.

I’m going to keep it short because boy I could (and likely am already) rambling about this. I want to say. It’s a lot of f’ing work to heal yourself, but it’s worth it. It’s worth learning who you are, what makes you happy (please note that I said what not who), how you want to live your life, what things are important to you? Keeping your mind open to answering these things can lead to interesting discoveries and new beginnings. Perhaps you will stay, perhaps you won’t, but in the end you better make damn sure you are better for it anyway and I know you can.