chasingthereddot

like a cat chasing the laser pointer we can talk about whatever people chase


Leave a comment

You are not a dumbass.

She makes me think of this book I read where a creepy neighbor dresses up as a woman so he can spy in people’s windows and not be caught. It’s about this vibe of mental illness mixed with probably learned narcissism and the world view of a three year old that it’s all about me. At the same time, I recognize that we have similarities, we both want to be loved, loved in a way to know that a man would love us enough to forsake all others, to focus on us, be patient, kind, thoughtful, and cherish us. The difference is how we try to go about filling that desire and/or how we interpret that desire.
The painful part is that someone can look you in the face and bold face lie to you. Over and over. The first time this happened, it was like my brain went on auto replay of the past 7 months of my life figuring out all of the inaccuracies and intricate details of the lies I was told and the lies I believed. There is nothing like trusting someone to find out what an asshole you have been for believing them. Let me be clear here, I’m not calling myself or anyone who has been lied to an asshole, the meaning is that I felt like a royal, top of the line, grade a asshole for believing some of the stupid, idiotic lies that my husband told me during the first affair.

Going through that process felt to me like an endless loop of my brain reviewing software code looking for glitches, finding a glitch replaying the code until the glitch was explained. It was a terrible feat to get myself out of that and also to allow it to happen to some extent. The second affair didn’t bring that on as much, for one because he got better at what he chose to lie about and when he chose to screw around during the day or other times he was “supposed” to be gone. Plus, after the first time around, a part of me died toward him anyway, it’s like I could check out easier.

So – if you are reading this and feeling like you identify with being a dumbass let me tell you this. You are not a dumbass. You loved someone. You trusted someone. You thought he or she had your best interest at heart. You were wrong, they didn’t. It doesn’t mean you are stupid, it means you were lied to by someone you loved.

Then there are the kids, you look at them and you see how much burning love they have for their father and you think, I can make this work. It can work, we can be one of the couples who “makes” it even though he cheated and lied. Years go by and you let yourself accept a standard that isn’t you, a standard of life that you would not have previously accepted. I fooled myself into believing we could make it better. I was wrong. We were not meant to be one of those couples who makes it work and learns from an affair. Special note to those couples – I congratulate you for doing the work and being open to perceive your partner in a new light, with fresh raw honesty. I think there are many people who learn and become more real post affair. I did. My other half did not.
I think there is a stigma sometimes that I am too open with my story. It’s almost like married people don’t really want to stay close to you when you were cheated on. Like it’s contagious. Perhaps it is, who knows, well, I’m sure we could search and find someone who does know! We are all just humans doing the damn best we can. Shit happens to us, we react in some way, good or bad, and we move on. We either hold on to what happened like a dung beetle holding fast to a fresh find or we let it go like the dandelion seed blown by the wind. Either way, hopefully we learn.

Advertisements


Leave a comment

It’s the lies

What type of jack ass would want to be away from his family? Whatever, I have to just deal with it if I’m going to keep this man in my life for the kid’s sake. It is what is it, the only thing I can do is ask myself in this moment, “What can I do to make myself happy?”.Right now, I have to clean the damn bathroom because that will make me feel better. I don’t clean the bathroom enough.

One week, I travelled for work and the husband told my mom all of a sudden he too had a trip coming up even though he knew I was travelling. That didn’t sit well with me. I asked him if he was having an affair and of course he said no. Whatever, I told myself fuck it. If I’m supposed to find something out this time, I will. The work trip was fine, my mom watched the kids for the husband at the last moment and he was able to make that trip like he wanted to. Looking back it’s shit like this that pisses me off the most. The bullshit lies about work needs and then thinking that he likely lied to his job about family needs.

The lies can be so infuriating if I let them. Sometimes I let them. Like the days of coming home late from work to the point of not seeing our daughter at night because she goes to bed early. Fuck you husband. Fuck you for being selfish and lying. Sometimes I’m better about this than others. Perhaps dear reader after I get this all out in some sort of quasi coherent manner, it will help me to TRULY let it go. It feels like if I don’t let it go, this lesson is going to keep coming up harder and bigger. (Ha ha sick heads who interpreted that last sentence in a sexual way. Glad I could amuse you while I’m writing about an extra marital affair. And yes, dear reader, I understand that the fact that I just wrote that means it is entirely possible that I too had that same thought run through my mind.)

I sometimes wonder what people must wonder about me giving him a second chance and it happening again in such a hard core way. What are they too afraid to ask me about? How could I let it happen? How could I be so stupid? How could I not know? Valid questions. I have asked them of myself many times and some of the answers are much more profound than others. I was checked out. My spirit and soul checked out of being truly in the moment and knowing what my body and other queues were trying to tell me. I had to stop caring or worrying about it because I wanted to avoid touching the wounds, ripping open scars. Sometimes it’s easier to be numb. Sometimes it’s easier to just focus on the kids and work. Sometimes “give a fuck” falters. My “give a fuck” faltered.
Until “he” emailed me at work. The anonymous, email man. “He” emailed me at my work on my birthday, 40th birthday to tell me my husband was a cheater. That very same morning I wrote the husband a note thanking him for all of the things he does for our family because I felt like I wasn’t showing him enough effort, and that I should try to overtly show more effort. Internally, I felt like a raging fucking bull bat shit ball of effort, but apparently that didn’t translate into any feeling or recognition of effort once it appeared in my husband’s life.

So, here I am at work and reading this  email after celebrating my 40th in a big way for me. Party, limo, etc. My first thought was that it was interesting and I was curious if someone looked up the husband’s name on the Ashley Madison leak. Because of course, he was in that database in some form or fashion, perhaps and most likely with a fake name and email, prepaid credit card. My second thought was that it was affair #1 or her husband feeling board and needing to create some drama.

Of course, like a trusting open person I am, I told him about it and shared a screen shot of the email address. Of COURSE I did that. Seriously, sometimes I have to edit out a super judgey comment I’m about to type about myself. I’m trying to heal myself from this shit and talking badly about myself doesn’t propel the healing into high gear. Let us end here for today. Speak kindly to yourself damnit!


Leave a comment

Loving without abandon and feeling no fear in the face of that love given so freely.

Sometimes when I feel distracted, I write for a few minutes to get the creative process of life flowing through me. I feel like I better start finding ways to think of other people soon of ways to support and help other people in a way that makes a difference in life. I say that because it is easy to get caught up in “me” when in pain, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional pain.

What can I do to get accomplish my goals while still helping others? Write? Paint? Take photos? Market my photos better? What to do? What do you do when you want to make a change, but the world around you is changing so much that you aren’t even sure which direction to step? You feel as if you are on a merry-go-round and when you step forward you have no idea what you will end up stepping into if you get off of it. It’s like knowing there is a positive change within you and not being able to go there yet because you need to find a way to heal or hurt, or hurt then heal. And you can only hope you’re doing it right. That you are taking the right time to feel the crap feel, the pain that you know you must in order to move past it.

When the love you loved, loves only itself and that love lies in the face of love.
Get really still and see what happens, what do you find out when your ears cannot hear and your eyes cannot see? Get really still and let it happen, let the words come to you and flow. Can you do it? Can you let it go? I might not be able to in every moment, but I want to live in the flow. Peacefully, richly, vibrantly, knowingly, trusting in me, vividly, transparently, shining and running free. Loving without abandon and feeling no fear in the face of that love given so freely.


Leave a comment

Ever heard of Imago?

Imago is a form of therapy for couples that includes the idea that each spouse is looking for someone who triggers their childhood wounds. Perhaps not consciously, but still looking for that pattern. Marriage counseling that uses this method will help the couple identify triggers and patterns related to each partner’s childhood.

Having been a participant of this type of therapy for about a year I can say that is has been eye opening at times and frustrating as hell at others.

What I like is that no matter what is happening in your marriage, if you can truly get to the patterns and understand what you are triggered by, this will help you grow as a person. Another idea in Imago is that if you don’t find this out, you will repeat the same patterns with someone else. So, the way I look at it is, even if my marriage doesn’t survive I can do my best to try to understand myself and what I react to. That way marriage or no marriage I’m hopefully better off having been through it.

I found this book funny and helpful to read. Admittedly, it’s a simplistic view of marriage. For me that’s what made it easy to incorporate and easy to get my spouse (who is not a reader) to actually finish it.  Making Marriage Simple

 


Leave a comment

Considering an affair, having one, and being cheated on

Many people have either cheated on their partner or have been cheated on.  Let’s have a quick chat about where you are and how you might feel.

For the “Considering It”

You may feel your partner isn’t giving you what you need or deserve.  You may find yourself obsessing about all of the bad things your partner does.  All of the things that bug you about this person are at the tip of your mind.  Maybe you think it’s all their fault that you are not getting what you want.  Maybe you are trolling those sites that promise “easy hookups” or someone at work caught your eye.  You feel depressed or angry with yourself or your mate.  You want to feel important and valued.  You feel that your spouse doesn’t appreciate you.  Note to those in the Considering It category:  If you and your partner have made a commitment to one another through commitment ceremony, marriage, or verbally and you both agreed not to see other people please consider reading some of these resources before you take steps to cheat.  Then decide what to do.  You have options: Try to talk about any issues, go to counseling, or end the relationship.  You can’t undo an affair once you go down that path.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking

5 Love Languages

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Chemistry of Love or read a short article here by this author that explains the basics: Article

After the Affair – This is good to read if you are considering an affair because you get a view from both sides and it takes you through some feelings you could be having now.

For the “cheater” 

Maybe you feel great about having a new mate if you are in the beginning/beginning middle of an affair.  You might  feel alive, strong, and happier than ever like life is the best you have experienced before.  You might also feel angry and justified because your mate isn’t meeting your needs.  You could even feel some guilt here and there because you understand that you are potentially doing a lot of damage to someone you love/loved.  Maybe you decide to end up with the person you had an affair with.  It’s still good to understand the phases of love so you realize that you an the new person may go through something similar in the future.  A note to you: Please be honest once it all comes out, because it’s probably going to all come out.  You might be afraid, but do it anyway.  Yes you probably told some very stupid lies, admit them anyway.  Good people do things they regret and the choices you have now are all in your hands.  If you regret it, live a life moving forward with different choices.  Yes you made  a bad choice, yes it could ruin a long term relationship.  You can use it to beat yourself up or you can choose to learn from it and grow to be a better person.  Don’t let this be a pattern, learn how your brain changes when “in love”.  

Article – Read about brain chemistry during the “falling in love” phase.

After the Affair

How to Help Your Spouse Heal

Getting the Love You Want

 For the “cheated”:

You might feel like you are going crazy.  Everything you thought you knew is no longer valid and it makes you question your life, what is real?  What can you believe anymore?  You might feel like it is the end of the world as if you are on a small float in the middle of the ocean and it keeps getting smaller while sharks circle.  You may feel hurt way more than you thought possible.  Anger, the desire for revenge, and the desire to punish the person might pop up for you.  You may want to die, or to hurt someone.  A special note to you: You are not alone.  If you feel anger to the point of taking action against yourself or someone else, please get help.  Talk to a counselor.  Know that there are people out there who understand the blinding pain you are experiencing and who have lived through it.  You. Are. Not. Alone. Life can get better if you let yourself experience the pain and grief and know life loves you through it.  As Wadsworth alluded to the sun remember even though your life seems to be covered in dark evil clouds right now the sun is still shining behind the clouds.  Breathe.  Know you are loved. 

After the Affair

When Good People Have an Affair

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Getting the Love You Want

No matter where you are on this list, many of the books linked are good to read to fully understand the topic and/or to help yourself  work through an affair.