chasingthereddot

like a cat chasing the laser pointer we can talk about whatever people chase


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Ego pulls that crap from time to time

I’m so grateful that I can breathe. I know I’m taken care of financially, health wise, mentally, spiritually, and more. I lean on the fact that these things are mine and I’m grateful for them.
Healing is about opening up, like the quote about pain being where the light comes in. To heal we must allow. To heal we must flow like the water while we also create the trench where we flow simultaneously by our thoughts and beliefs. The thoughts and beliefs are the shovels that dig the path the water will flow. We must think about work of belief. Rest in it that belief and then flow.
There is a moment, well there are moments when you want your life to change, but the intertia to make it happen seems unreachable. Getting started feels like grinding a gear that has long since rusted in the rain. Stuck. Not moving. You need oil. The oil of belief, the oil of tenacity, the oil of hope. The oil of work. It might take setting a timer on your phone for 15 minutes and making yourself do something, one thing, that will move you in the direction of the change you want in your life. Discipline. If during that 15 minutes you sit there stuck because you don’t know how or can’t think of how to get it going, sit there. It cannot hurt you to sit for 15 minutes, eventually you will find yourself doing something if you keep this up. The rust begins to be affected by the oil of attention, the oil of attentive time spent. Maybe just maybe the gear begins to move just the tiniest bit.
Do you know what else can happen when old rusty gears move? Screeching! Terrible awful sounds. This is the sound of time missed, ways enote chef and opportunities past wailing themselves into oblivion. The sound of letting those things go and moving again. Have you ever had it happen that you just go on a diet and of course someone brings in your favorite treat the next day? Or you say you’re going to work out each day and work gets crazy busy? It’s like life’s way of making you prove you want the change you think you want. Your old ways paid off for your ego in one way or another, so now you have to prove your thoughts and beliefs are different. That you want something new. Ego pulls that crap from time to time. Tenacity my friend. Tenacity.
Part of my change is getting back to myself, to the things I love, and to KNOWING that all is well. Creativity, laughter, love. I let these things be buried by lies. Lies I was told and more importantly lies I told myself. That this was an ok way to live, many people would want my life, even if I wasn’t feeling like it was the right life for me, or well, maybe that it was “fine”. I was “fining” my life away instead of living with zeal. (Sidenote, what a great frickin’ word ZEAL! Zeal zeal zeal!)

While I may have yet to be living in a zeal filled world, I look forward to experiencing it from time to time. I don’t think I’d want to live in zeal in every moment, nor do I want to tell you that you should want that either. It takes the quiet moments, the happy moments, and all of the other colorful emotions that exist that I still want to teach myself to identify for myself as I experience them.Those emotions. I’m looking forward to learning those. Isn’t there some link I can find describing the list of emotions? I seriously need that. I realize I have great room for improvement in that arena. Actually there are great lists out there for example here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201507/5-steps-managing-your-emotional-triggers

My opportunity to learn more feeling words became abundantly clear to me when someone asked me how I was feeling and the only way I knew to answer had to do with how my body felt. To be really open here, that is progress for me as well, to even identify how my body is feeling in a very aware way, vs. a numbed out, painful, deadened way. I’m thinking if I keep trying to identify my body feelings in a mindful way, then perhaps I can help myself learn the emotions that either originate from the body or the other way around.
The other thing I know is that sometimes I do well and sometimes I don’t. Crap happens and sometimes you have to just dig your own ass out of it. Sometimes someone is there to grab you and pull you up, but usually you have to do it.
I’m heartened to believe that people can change. I’m also heartened to believe that I can change. There are things I need to forgive and I would like to let that happen. For me, allowing vs. trying to forgive has been the only way I have experienced true forgiveness before. Since I have been “trying” in the past few years, I haven’t made as much progress as I prefer. Now, I’m reminding myself to “allow”.


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Unless I Have Already Saved Myself

Today I want to remind anyone who has or is going through a painful time. You are loved, you are not alone, and healing happens.

Each of us suffers. We all have something that hurts our soul, messes with our mind, and threatens to change our core if we let it. The choice is ours. Let it or learn from it.

Learn, grow, and move on even in those moments when crippling doubt creeps in and fears start to knock around in your brain. You can heal, you can have a better life, and you likely already do if you notice it. It’s already yours because you are here. It’s already yours because you are in control of your actions.

One realization I had is that no one is going to save me but me. No one. No matter how talented can save me unless I have already saved myself.

May you be surrounded in light and love.

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You Can’t Prove It

It might seem strange that I tried to call them before knowing who was having an affair with him. I wanted to figure it out. You see, the “first” affair which I put in quotes here to let you know that I understand that this occurrence could just be the “first” I knew of in our 14 year marriage. That first affair started about one month after I found out I was pregnant again. We lost our first baby and I had some issues health wise do to the loss. I sensed that he changed and started asking him if he was having an affair probably about one month into it. He acted very differently, worked out, whitened his teeth (which he had never done before), bought new clothes, etc.  During this time, there were stupid silly lies that I never should have believed, but I did. My whole point of going there in this post is this, I had to find out and call because during the entire ordeal with the first one, he would say this, “You can’t prove it. Prove it Amanda”. I heard that over and over and over. I heard it when I was six months pregnant crying on the ground while he walked out on NYE to go out “by himself” to a club. This man who never once before went to a club. I was a sick mess. A person who believed he would be honest with me and that the first woman would too. She wasn’t and neither was he.

So, those messages I left before I found out who it the affair was with were my attempt at cutting it all short because I figured he wouldn’t tell me like the last time. I had to find out by calling the other woman’s husband to check and see.

This time, wow that I knew who it was he admitted her name. I sent her an email kindly asking that she stay away from our kids until she and the husband had been together for at least six months after we were divorced. I also asked her if she knew who the anonymous emailing man was. She said she had a “vast network” of friends and colleges who knew both her and her husband and it could be any of them.She also said “perhaps six months isn’t long enough” to stay away from the kids.I was trying to prepare for the two of them being together with that first email and trying to remain civil.

I’m telling you beyond the pain of affair round two, what killed me was not knowing who that damn e mailing man was. Not knowing who contacted me (if it wasn’t her) was driving me crazy. In particular because this e mailer had also looped in the previous affair. Yes, yes, I will give you a moment to take that in and a moment for me to explain what I mean.

When the man e mailed me, I responded with a comment about the previous affair similar to “hey xxx, quit messing with me”. The e mailer responded by saying he was not xxx. Well, I told my husband about this and then the e mailer forwarded me an email he received from the same email address as the previous affair that threatened him to stop talking to me. At first I definitely thought it was the previous affair when I saw that then realized with the “help” of the anonymous man that no, in fact, it was a made up email address. The first part was the same xxxyyy@ was the same, but the site was different. Yes, my husband had created a fake email address to mimic his previous affair and threatened the e mailer to not email me. He also addressed it to a specific name which I thought was weird at the time.

So, guess what I got to deal with at that point? Talking to the anonymous man AND the previous affair at the same time in email strings. Yes. Both.

I was open to the previous affair and apologized that her name had gotten pulled int this. she of course responded that my husband, “would never do something like that to her. He knows how much she went through during the first affair and he wouldn’t put her in harms way ever. He would not do something like that.” I actually laughed at a couple of our email exchanges and it was a great example of how self centered people (especially people who cheat) can be. I didn’t take any bait here and thanked her wished her well and asked that she keep me posted on the e mailer. Oh, but she did also say that this e mailer didn’t sound like a man. That this e mailer sounded like a scorned woman. She could be on to something eh?


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Forwarded the email

Some of you will recognize the error of some of my actions and choices way before I finish the story, but what did I do after I saw the strange email in my work inbox that morning? I called my husband and told him about it. I also responded.

The man emailed me back very quickly. For the next eight to ten days this person emailed me details of my life and of my husband’s affair, but not enough details for me to do much about it except figure out on my end how I could get him to admit this. He did tell me a first name and a city where the woman lived though.

I was in anguish, stressed at work, disgusted with my husband, with myself for this happening again. Hoping against hope that he would admit it this time or that there was some other explanation, though I knew there was not.

I mean I’m getting emails at my job talking about my husband being out of town, that I have two kids. My youngest wasn’t even one year old at this time and my other was three. The thought that someone knew about them and where we lived hung over my head like Pigpen’s ball of dust swirling and swarming in my brain. The guy is telling me he intercepted text messages from them and where they went together. That my husband took her on his business trips. I thought it was the previous affair or the previous affair’s husband messing with me and suggested as much to this guy. He denied it, but wouldn’t tell me who he was. He just said he cared about the woman.

I had to figure it out because the emails at work and denials at home were terrorizing me. I hired a PI to try to investigate who the heck was emailing me and to try to figure out which woman it was etc.

During this time people tried to say things to me like, “maybe someone has a vendetta against him” or “you know it could be that he isn’t having an affair”. My response: “Usually it’s the simplest answer. The simplest answer here is that he is having an affair, not that someone has a thing against him and is emailing me at my job, talking about details of the affair and my life.”

The husband didn’t own up until I found a giant bottle of Cialis in our safe. I assumed that the Cialis was for him in general because he had issues in the past in this arena. I confronted him with it by hinting about it, that I might have access to see what prescriptions we filled in our insurance, etc. Then finally told him I looked in the safe. It took him about 35 minutes of us laying in our bed in bouts of silence broken by me telling him that he owed the truth to me and our kids while he worked up the courage to tell me the truth. He only talked to say things like, “I’ll tell you in the morning” hoping it would go away. A grown man willing to cheat, lie, and who knows what the heck else who couldn’t just say yes, I’m cheating and this is with whom. When he finally gathered enough strength to tell me he made me promise I wouldn’t contact her in any way. I agreed. I lied and said yes. To me, telling a lie was like turning into him. To be willing to lie to get what I wanted. I wanted the information so I acted like him.

Little did he know, I had already called her. The unknown man who was emailing me gave me enough information to narrow it down to two women. When I saw their photos online, I thought, please let it be this one and not that one because that one looks like she would hurt my kids. That one looks like a selfish human being, she looks like a B.

I attempted to call and leave messages for each of the two, this one and that one, asking them to call to talk. When dialing this one I was totally calm while leaving the message and the other one I shook like an addict when I phoned. That one’s place of work pretended they didn’t know who she was.

I bet you can guess which one it was and if you guessed that one, you’re right.


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There’s a lot of work involved

When I went through my spouse having an affair, it broke me down, shattered pieces of me, tore me up, pain etc. etc. blah blah. It’s been a while so I can tell you that in some ways I’m glad some of those pieces of me that were shattered did so. However, I can also say it’s a lot of damn work to learn lessons in life. So. Much. Damn. Work.

If you are a person like me who really wants to dig down and figure yourself out, it can feel like the person who had the affair got off easy (yeah I’m being crass with that pun too). They think, “oh that was a mistake let me move on” or maybe they end up with the other person meanwhile us other ones over here are left with a crap load of internal work. Working on esteem issues if that came up, or whatever the hell came up for us. It could be so many things and I know I can only give you examples of things that came up for me, but I’m not sure I want to dump those all in this particular post. Yet. Ha!

The work is about feeling through the pain and working through the pain to get to the other side where you can look at things differently. When I was in the midst of the shit, I used to read about people who had “made it through” and said their marriages were better for the affair. While that gave me hope, it also makes me wonder a bit because I’m not sure I will get there or if I’m there. Which makes me question whether I was really in my marriage at all before the affair. See, it always takes two to cause an issue. I’m just learning about this for myself and it will be partially for me to keep to myself, but staying married to someone who had an affair is hard work. For me, it’s a challenge because I’m willing to tear it all open and lay the bullshit on the table, my bullshit, my spouse’s bullshit and just look at the disgusting mess to see how what can be cleaned up, what has to be sown up, and what can just be appreciated for the ugly mess that it is. My spouse though, not so willing to do this. I guess I can see why. The pain laying there was “caused” by all conventional means by my spouse, so who would want to sit there and figure out all of the things that were impacted by their really really bad choices? “Oh yes let me stare at all of the pain I caused you and then let’s talk about it more?”…maybe not so fun for them. Even though I still wish it would happen, I can see how it might not.

I’m going to keep it short because boy I could (and likely am already) rambling about this. I want to say. It’s a lot of f’ing work to heal yourself, but it’s worth it. It’s worth learning who you are, what makes you happy (please note that I said what not who), how you want to live your life, what things are important to you? Keeping your mind open to answering these things can lead to interesting discoveries and new beginnings. Perhaps you will stay, perhaps you won’t, but in the end you better make damn sure you are better for it anyway and I know you can.


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I should have known

There were days when I thought I wouldn’t make it. Days when I wasn’t sure anyone could understand the searing pain that something so common, so typical could cause. How come no one talks about it? Am I an anomaly of the human race feeling as if I can talk about what happened without sweeping it under the rug? Maybe. Yes, it’s possible that I am. I think I’m ok with that.

We got pregnant in July. I found out while he was gone hunting. Yes hunting in July, you know a man will find a way to do his hobby all year round if he can. I sent him a photo and told him to do well for his new baby. I thought he’d be happy and he was. Only maybe he wasn’t.

After taking the test I went to float in our pool. Wondering if this pregnancy would be ok. If this little zygote would be able to stand the trials and tribulations of growing into a little boy or girl. I wondered if we would have to go through the pain of loss again. I hoped we would not. While he was out with the guys in a different state, probably not thinking about anything but the hobby. Maybe he was though, maybe I assumed the worst and he was really thinking about his dead parents, his dead family and how our first pregnancy ended in death? Would you call it death? I don’t know. Some do. Some don’t. That’s probably a good question for an abortion debate perhaps? Or a good question to ponder during some fervent church group meeting discussing the merits of a life. Talking about when life begins and ends, science maybe making a show from time to time, and perhaps not. Maybe I was wrong and he was hurting and afraid. I didn’t know. Who could tell? If I asked the answer would be I’m fine anyway.

This feeling starting creeping over me. Something was wrong. I asked, he denied. I asked again and again. He denied again and again. I started questioning myself. I know I wasn’t the greatest wife. I was crabby and stressed. Various things got to me. I resented that he let me bleed freezing and cold in our bathroom while what was left of our first pregnancy flowed away. I resented that if he had taken the time to look into my face when I asked for a heater in the bathroom that he might have noticed how white my lips were, shaking. That he might have noticed the fear in my eyes. I didn’t ask for help though. How could he know? I should be fair right? It’s a double standard to think he should have told me his pain and then expect him to notice mine showing up right in front of him in a pale bloody mess. Self being stuck in its own need, its own desire for being validated and right. Self keeping me stuck in ego.

So, there were more meetings and shopping trips for him during this time. I figured he just needed to change things up. He exercised, ate differently, and even whitened his teeth.  Never ever had he been interested in whitening his teeth. Not when I brought it up. Ever. I should have known, but denial’s loving arms were holding on to me tightly rocking me and singing a lullaby in my ear that should only be sung to my unborn growing baby. Lulling me into believing.

It must be my fault. I must change. I bought books. They were really good, helpful. He wouldn’t read them. I bought them electronically. He wouldn’t listen. I should have known. Dumb lies. Stupid alibis. I should have known.

I kept trying to get him to just say it. I signed myself up for counseling through work because I knew I needed to change. One day he told me it was me. I was ugly, fat, and he didn’t love me anymore. I should have known. I didn’t. Instead I internalized these truths he spoke that I had so often beaten myself up with while crying in a corner. Yes, I was ugly. Yes, I was fat. Who COULD love me? It makes so much sense. I should have known.

Then I did know. A short phone call was all it took to verify some information. Then I knew. I had been listening to a cd every day to work and from work about loving myself. I had been getting better even though he didn’t love me, I could love me. I could break those nasty thoughts that I was growing out of until they sprung from his mouth to my ears. Externally taken in instead of internally thrown out. I was growing, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Now I knew. I should have known earlier, but I didn’t.

Pain. Lots of pain. Through it baby getting bigger. Actually, baby boy. HE was growing and hopefully healthy. I did all I could to keep this pain from him, even though I always wondered how I could shield this tiny creature from the chemicals swirling around him when I fought not to cry. When I would walk at 3am to burn off adrenaline from a bad encounter with the father. The husband who was still in our house, but not in our world. I drank smoothies made with fruits and protein powder and tried to keep him safe. My heart ached to protect him even though a part of me knew there was no way to protect him from it all.

Time. Time goes by and things change. We grow or we don’t. We learn more about ourselves or we don’t. It’s up to us. Pain. It can be used to change for the better or used to dig a deep hole to hide in forever. It’s up to me. I decided to try to learn from it. I’m still trying. The spirit questioning and not knowing one single thing about what will happen in the future. I had no idea in any direction other than I would grow and I would fiercely protect this little baby who was now in my arms instead of my belly.

Growth. Spirit. It’s easy to forget that it takes work to grow.  The tree has to reach underground to grow tall, just like we have to reach inside to allow ourselves to change.  Be like water I used to tell myself. Adjust to the new things in life and be like water. Strong, able to carve valleys. Things will work out better than I can even imagine I would tell myself. In many ways they have, even though I should have known.