chasingthereddot

like a cat chasing the laser pointer we can talk about whatever people chase


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Ego pulls that crap from time to time

I’m so grateful that I can breathe. I know I’m taken care of financially, health wise, mentally, spiritually, and more. I lean on the fact that these things are mine and I’m grateful for them.
Healing is about opening up, like the quote about pain being where the light comes in. To heal we must allow. To heal we must flow like the water while we also create the trench where we flow simultaneously by our thoughts and beliefs. The thoughts and beliefs are the shovels that dig the path the water will flow. We must think about work of belief. Rest in it that belief and then flow.
There is a moment, well there are moments when you want your life to change, but the intertia to make it happen seems unreachable. Getting started feels like grinding a gear that has long since rusted in the rain. Stuck. Not moving. You need oil. The oil of belief, the oil of tenacity, the oil of hope. The oil of work. It might take setting a timer on your phone for 15 minutes and making yourself do something, one thing, that will move you in the direction of the change you want in your life. Discipline. If during that 15 minutes you sit there stuck because you don’t know how or can’t think of how to get it going, sit there. It cannot hurt you to sit for 15 minutes, eventually you will find yourself doing something if you keep this up. The rust begins to be affected by the oil of attention, the oil of attentive time spent. Maybe just maybe the gear begins to move just the tiniest bit.
Do you know what else can happen when old rusty gears move? Screeching! Terrible awful sounds. This is the sound of time missed, ways enote chef and opportunities past wailing themselves into oblivion. The sound of letting those things go and moving again. Have you ever had it happen that you just go on a diet and of course someone brings in your favorite treat the next day? Or you say you’re going to work out each day and work gets crazy busy? It’s like life’s way of making you prove you want the change you think you want. Your old ways paid off for your ego in one way or another, so now you have to prove your thoughts and beliefs are different. That you want something new. Ego pulls that crap from time to time. Tenacity my friend. Tenacity.
Part of my change is getting back to myself, to the things I love, and to KNOWING that all is well. Creativity, laughter, love. I let these things be buried by lies. Lies I was told and more importantly lies I told myself. That this was an ok way to live, many people would want my life, even if I wasn’t feeling like it was the right life for me, or well, maybe that it was “fine”. I was “fining” my life away instead of living with zeal. (Sidenote, what a great frickin’ word ZEAL! Zeal zeal zeal!)

While I may have yet to be living in a zeal filled world, I look forward to experiencing it from time to time. I don’t think I’d want to live in zeal in every moment, nor do I want to tell you that you should want that either. It takes the quiet moments, the happy moments, and all of the other colorful emotions that exist that I still want to teach myself to identify for myself as I experience them.Those emotions. I’m looking forward to learning those. Isn’t there some link I can find describing the list of emotions? I seriously need that. I realize I have great room for improvement in that arena. Actually there are great lists out there for example here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201507/5-steps-managing-your-emotional-triggers

My opportunity to learn more feeling words became abundantly clear to me when someone asked me how I was feeling and the only way I knew to answer had to do with how my body felt. To be really open here, that is progress for me as well, to even identify how my body is feeling in a very aware way, vs. a numbed out, painful, deadened way. I’m thinking if I keep trying to identify my body feelings in a mindful way, then perhaps I can help myself learn the emotions that either originate from the body or the other way around.
The other thing I know is that sometimes I do well and sometimes I don’t. Crap happens and sometimes you have to just dig your own ass out of it. Sometimes someone is there to grab you and pull you up, but usually you have to do it.
I’m heartened to believe that people can change. I’m also heartened to believe that I can change. There are things I need to forgive and I would like to let that happen. For me, allowing vs. trying to forgive has been the only way I have experienced true forgiveness before. Since I have been “trying” in the past few years, I haven’t made as much progress as I prefer. Now, I’m reminding myself to “allow”.


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You are not a dumbass.

She makes me think of this book I read where a creepy neighbor dresses up as a woman so he can spy in people’s windows and not be caught. It’s about this vibe of mental illness mixed with probably learned narcissism and the world view of a three year old that it’s all about me. At the same time, I recognize that we have similarities, we both want to be loved, loved in a way to know that a man would love us enough to forsake all others, to focus on us, be patient, kind, thoughtful, and cherish us. The difference is how we try to go about filling that desire and/or how we interpret that desire.
The painful part is that someone can look you in the face and bold face lie to you. Over and over. The first time this happened, it was like my brain went on auto replay of the past 7 months of my life figuring out all of the inaccuracies and intricate details of the lies I was told and the lies I believed. There is nothing like trusting someone to find out what an asshole you have been for believing them. Let me be clear here, I’m not calling myself or anyone who has been lied to an asshole, the meaning is that I felt like a royal, top of the line, grade a asshole for believing some of the stupid, idiotic lies that my husband told me during the first affair.

Going through that process felt to me like an endless loop of my brain reviewing software code looking for glitches, finding a glitch replaying the code until the glitch was explained. It was a terrible feat to get myself out of that and also to allow it to happen to some extent. The second affair didn’t bring that on as much, for one because he got better at what he chose to lie about and when he chose to screw around during the day or other times he was “supposed” to be gone. Plus, after the first time around, a part of me died toward him anyway, it’s like I could check out easier.

So – if you are reading this and feeling like you identify with being a dumbass let me tell you this. You are not a dumbass. You loved someone. You trusted someone. You thought he or she had your best interest at heart. You were wrong, they didn’t. It doesn’t mean you are stupid, it means you were lied to by someone you loved.

Then there are the kids, you look at them and you see how much burning love they have for their father and you think, I can make this work. It can work, we can be one of the couples who “makes” it even though he cheated and lied. Years go by and you let yourself accept a standard that isn’t you, a standard of life that you would not have previously accepted. I fooled myself into believing we could make it better. I was wrong. We were not meant to be one of those couples who makes it work and learns from an affair. Special note to those couples – I congratulate you for doing the work and being open to perceive your partner in a new light, with fresh raw honesty. I think there are many people who learn and become more real post affair. I did. My other half did not.
I think there is a stigma sometimes that I am too open with my story. It’s almost like married people don’t really want to stay close to you when you were cheated on. Like it’s contagious. Perhaps it is, who knows, well, I’m sure we could search and find someone who does know! We are all just humans doing the damn best we can. Shit happens to us, we react in some way, good or bad, and we move on. We either hold on to what happened like a dung beetle holding fast to a fresh find or we let it go like the dandelion seed blown by the wind. Either way, hopefully we learn.


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Loving without abandon and feeling no fear in the face of that love given so freely.

Sometimes when I feel distracted, I write for a few minutes to get the creative process of life flowing through me. I feel like I better start finding ways to think of other people soon of ways to support and help other people in a way that makes a difference in life. I say that because it is easy to get caught up in “me” when in pain, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional pain.

What can I do to get accomplish my goals while still helping others? Write? Paint? Take photos? Market my photos better? What to do? What do you do when you want to make a change, but the world around you is changing so much that you aren’t even sure which direction to step? You feel as if you are on a merry-go-round and when you step forward you have no idea what you will end up stepping into if you get off of it. It’s like knowing there is a positive change within you and not being able to go there yet because you need to find a way to heal or hurt, or hurt then heal. And you can only hope you’re doing it right. That you are taking the right time to feel the crap feel, the pain that you know you must in order to move past it.

When the love you loved, loves only itself and that love lies in the face of love.
Get really still and see what happens, what do you find out when your ears cannot hear and your eyes cannot see? Get really still and let it happen, let the words come to you and flow. Can you do it? Can you let it go? I might not be able to in every moment, but I want to live in the flow. Peacefully, richly, vibrantly, knowingly, trusting in me, vividly, transparently, shining and running free. Loving without abandon and feeling no fear in the face of that love given so freely.


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Unless I Have Already Saved Myself

Today I want to remind anyone who has or is going through a painful time. You are loved, you are not alone, and healing happens.

Each of us suffers. We all have something that hurts our soul, messes with our mind, and threatens to change our core if we let it. The choice is ours. Let it or learn from it.

Learn, grow, and move on even in those moments when crippling doubt creeps in and fears start to knock around in your brain. You can heal, you can have a better life, and you likely already do if you notice it. It’s already yours because you are here. It’s already yours because you are in control of your actions.

One realization I had is that no one is going to save me but me. No one. No matter how talented can save me unless I have already saved myself.

May you be surrounded in light and love.

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Truth Tellin’

I realized many things about myself during these affairs. One that struck me during the second round was that I have some sort of world view that eventually everyone will tell the truth. It was an interesting experience to realize that I had that belief even in the face of evidence quite to the contrary. Here I am in the parking lot of my child’s daycare talking to someone about that one and the husband. I told her that the truth will come out and realized that I believed that one or both of them would tell the truth.

I can break this down. I do believe that the truth often comes out, I have learned that it doesn’t always come out, but often it does. At least the parts we need to know to grow and move on with our lives.

However, I also learned that no, not everyone is compelled to tell the truth. Some people lie because that is what they learned to do. Some people lie because they are mentally ill, and some people lie because they are assholes and only out for themselves. Some people will look you in the face and lie right to it.

It’s not what someone says to you, it’s how he or she treats you. How does he treat you? How does he behave? Write it down. Then determine what you think his motives are. I wish I had done that a bit more during my marriage, but of course, another world view of mine, things happen as they should.

How are you treated?

 


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Sight of the Island

When I wrote in March 2015, I couldn’t look forward and know with certainty where I would be today. Here goes.

I never really did birthday parties for myself. Being sung to with cake all ablaze often brought feelings of anxiety for me, so if it could be avoided, I would. I mean all hanging out at a bar in younger days, sure! Happy Birthday. However, as I approached my 40th birthday in 2015, my thoughts on the subject changed. For my 40th, we would have a party. I picked the spot, menu items, wine, food, etc. Then turned over the rest of the planning to my mom and husband. The party was fun, place was great, overall a nice time. It happened to fall on the “bar night” of November, aka: right before Thanksgiving. So, extra time off to boot!

After birthday party recovery, my husband was set for a work trip to Brazil that Monday and I was all set to go back to work, kids back to daycare. Upon arrival at work I opened my email to find a message. The message was from a man’s email address and the subject read, “Your husband is a cheater”.  I thought perhaps someone found my husband’s name on the listing of Ashley Madison users. I opened it. And so the discovery began that yes, he was cheating again.

I was transported back in time. Back to feeling like I was lost at sea floating in the ocean with no life boat. Yearning for sight of land while my feet dangled in shark infested waters. Looking for sight of an island somewhere I could swim to and climb to warm my bruised soul in the sun. The island I had to rely on was me. My own ability to save myself. So, I did what I had to do.

Island


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There’s a lot of work involved

When I went through my spouse having an affair, it broke me down, shattered pieces of me, tore me up, pain etc. etc. blah blah. It’s been a while so I can tell you that in some ways I’m glad some of those pieces of me that were shattered did so. However, I can also say it’s a lot of damn work to learn lessons in life. So. Much. Damn. Work.

If you are a person like me who really wants to dig down and figure yourself out, it can feel like the person who had the affair got off easy (yeah I’m being crass with that pun too). They think, “oh that was a mistake let me move on” or maybe they end up with the other person meanwhile us other ones over here are left with a crap load of internal work. Working on esteem issues if that came up, or whatever the hell came up for us. It could be so many things and I know I can only give you examples of things that came up for me, but I’m not sure I want to dump those all in this particular post. Yet. Ha!

The work is about feeling through the pain and working through the pain to get to the other side where you can look at things differently. When I was in the midst of the shit, I used to read about people who had “made it through” and said their marriages were better for the affair. While that gave me hope, it also makes me wonder a bit because I’m not sure I will get there or if I’m there. Which makes me question whether I was really in my marriage at all before the affair. See, it always takes two to cause an issue. I’m just learning about this for myself and it will be partially for me to keep to myself, but staying married to someone who had an affair is hard work. For me, it’s a challenge because I’m willing to tear it all open and lay the bullshit on the table, my bullshit, my spouse’s bullshit and just look at the disgusting mess to see how what can be cleaned up, what has to be sown up, and what can just be appreciated for the ugly mess that it is. My spouse though, not so willing to do this. I guess I can see why. The pain laying there was “caused” by all conventional means by my spouse, so who would want to sit there and figure out all of the things that were impacted by their really really bad choices? “Oh yes let me stare at all of the pain I caused you and then let’s talk about it more?”…maybe not so fun for them. Even though I still wish it would happen, I can see how it might not.

I’m going to keep it short because boy I could (and likely am already) rambling about this. I want to say. It’s a lot of f’ing work to heal yourself, but it’s worth it. It’s worth learning who you are, what makes you happy (please note that I said what not who), how you want to live your life, what things are important to you? Keeping your mind open to answering these things can lead to interesting discoveries and new beginnings. Perhaps you will stay, perhaps you won’t, but in the end you better make damn sure you are better for it anyway and I know you can.